March 12, 2015

Getting Personal

Most of us have attended weddings and witnessed amazingly creative ways that couples have injected their personalities, interests and symbols from their love into the event. Not only do these elements stand out as creative and meaningful, but they also immerse their friends and loved ones into the essence of their relationship - leaving their guests with the feeling that they are part of this beautiful union.

The same can be done with funerals. Within the common events of a funeral, there are many opportunities to insert elements that make the services unique, memorable and meaningful. For the family, exploring personalization can be cathartic and engaging, inspiring them to fully reflect on the impact their loved one left on this world.

There are no rules, limits or guidelines.

It's important to remember that the funeral parlor, at it's origin, is much like a canvas. Funerals used to be held in the home, surrounded by family memorabilia, furniture, heirlooms - a familiarity that only a person's home can effortlessly exude. Funeral homes were created as a rented parlor to mimic that exact ritual, while making it more convenient and less taxing on the family.

When you think of it that way, it's easier to be open to the fact that, when planning a funeral, you are renting that parlor - you are free to make it "familiar" to the life and attributes of the person you are saying goodbye to. From music and pictures to videos, displays and mementos, that room you are renting is your canvas.

As a family member, never feel like an idea you might have can't be done. You'd be surprised how willing funeral directors are to not only conceptualize your idea but also to expand on it.

Part of why I'm doing this radio show and reaching out about this industry is to start a conversation. Not just between families and funeral directors in the midst of planning a funeral, but also to inspire conversations between family members before a death occurs.

For today's show, I provided some examples of different ways funerals can be personalized from funerals I have planned and witnessed as well as from ideas I have heard about. I also discussed my unexpectedly euphoric experience of having to plan my own funeral when I was in school. For a more in-depth example of the entire process of personalization from the perspective of a family member, I shared the elements of my aunt Ana's funeral, held just a year ago this week.

Ana was one of those people that was utterly and uniquely herself - always. It's a gift to know and love someone like this. As a family that cherished her, we had no choice but to make her funeral as unique as she was. It just couldn't be any other way.

There was music playing from her own iPod playlist, a celebrant that she chose for his heartfelt, humanistic and personalized prose with the perfect amount of humor, a video capturing her spirit and highlighting the best times of her life, live singing from her beloved niece who recomposed a song Ana loved and a family friend that embodied the soulful power of one of Ana's favorite artists. "Weaved" throughout the service was Ana's love of knitting.

Ana learned to knit as a child and looking back, this hobby provided so much for her. Comfort in the task, pleasure in the completed project, challenge in the design, limitless options and a chance to create something, made with love, to share. She was a patient and inspiring teacher and loved the community created around the art of knitting.

Everyone at her service was given a knitted or crochet flower attached to a pin to wear in her memory. These flowers were made by friends, family members and their yarn loving networks around the globe. Here is a picture of the arrangements made from the flowers attached to her own knitting needles and held in place by her yarn.

This theme has carried beyond her services. Almost three months after she died, I gave birth to my daughter and used some of the flowers for her newborn pictures. Over the past year, family members have worn their flower pins to every family gathering. As a person, she was unforgettable. As her family, we hope that looking down on us, she sees that we will always remember.

CLICK HERE to view her video tribute

CLICK HERE to view the eulogy

Inspiration can come from anywhere; a treasured recipe, a tangible item, a song, a favorite saying - anything. Elements can be displayed, worn or given as mementos. There are also creative ways for attendees to share their memories in special ways for the family to keep. Start with what sets your loved one apart and the impact that their life had on everyone they knew. From there, even if you don't gain an idea, you'll gain an element of comfort from simply reflecting on the life that they lived.

The Silva Lining is thankful for our wonderful sponsor, St. Anthony of Padua Credit Union. We are proud to be sponsored by such an incredible bank, that in an age of conglomerate banks treating people like numbers, maintains a relationship with its members based on trust, friendly service and loyalty. With competitive rates for savings accounts and various loans, St. Anthony of Padua can handle all of your financial needs. Convenient online banking and more information at www.stanthonyofpaduafcu.com

March 5, 2015

Say It and Display It

by Amy L. Silva Rigtrup

Today on The Silva Lining, the topics were eulogies and flowers. Eulogies speak to the life, essence and character of a deceased loved one. Flowers display symbols of love for the deceased and support for the family.

Delivering a eulogy is an honor for the speaker and adds a meaningful and personal touch to the funeral with memories, stories, meaningfulness and humor. In the midst of grief and the exhaustion that comes in the days after a loved one's passing it can become challenging to articulate and compose a eulogy. This is where my guest, Nathan Phillips can offer expert help.

Along with his wife, Victoria Wellnan, Nathan founded The Oratory Laboratory, an online service dedicated to helping people compose and deliver speeches for any occasion. With eulogies in particular, they have helped hundreds of people deliver one of a kind, poignant and memorable tributes with just the right amount of humor.

For a taste of their talents, click here to watch Nathan and Victoria on The Martha Stewart Show.

Here is a great video collection of incredible eulogies that truly showcase how unique and powerful they can be.

My second guest was Manuela Senra-Pereira, owner of Olivia's Floral & Gifts in Fall River. She helped explain all of the different types of floral arrangements made for funerals. Manuela also talked about the limitless ways that custom arrangements can really add so much meaning to the funeral by symbolizing your loved one's personality. If you are looking for a gifted florist with immense creativity and a heart of gold, Manuela is the one for you. Visit Olivia's Floral & Gifts at 700 Bedford Street in Fall River or call (508) 674-0622.

Have you ever wondered what to do with all of the beautiful flowers after the funeral? Silva-Faria Funeral Homes has helped hundreds of families preserve their flowers with Capture Bead Keepsakes. They create handcrafted flower-inclusion rosaries, jewelry and keepsake items - all made from the flowers sent in after the funeral.

Click here to visit Capture Bead Keepsake's website and view the beautiful items that they make.

February 26, 2015

Honoring Our Heritage

by Amy L. Silva Rigtrup

Nostalgia, love and respect. These are the foundations at the origin of Mariano Silva's decision to become an undertaker in 1890. To serve, honor and cater to the needs of the Portuguese families he served. Even in the present day, we hold true to these values, with 80% of our business each year serving Portuguese families.

These same values are at the core of the comedy performed by The Portuguese Kids. They have taken their backgrounds growing up as the children of Azorean families that emigrated to America, combined with their uncanny ability to creatively recognize and recreate comedic scenarios that most anyone of Portuguese descent can relate to. The Portuguese Kids, all from Fall River, have brought their comedy to an international fan base both online and by touring with their live performances. We are very proud to learn that they have earned a nomination for Best Rap/Hip-Hop Performance by the International Portuguese Music Awards for their song, "The Portuguese Love to Party".

Today, I was joined by Albert Sardinha and Brian Martins, two members of The Portuguese Kids and Dionisio DaCosta, a local Portuguese singer/songwriter, to discuss Portuguese heritage, traditions and funeral customs. Dioniso sang two beautiful songs commonly heard at Portuguese funerals - one of which he wrote himself.

For more information on The Portuguese Kids, including upcoming events and new videos, visit their Facebook page HERE. You don't want to miss their upcoming "My Big Fat Portuguese Wedding" in Bristol, RI on March 20th.

Dioniso has recorded three albums, "Vai Ser Uma Festa", "Acredito" and "O Espirito e Vida". Any requests for purchase of his music can be made at Portugalia Marketplace, 489 Bedford St., Fall River, MA 02720

February 20, 2015

You Are Not Alone: Disenfranchised Grief Affects Us All

by Amy L. Silva Rigtrup

Disenfranchised grief is simply defined as "grief that is not acknowledged by society".

Any type of grief is difficult, generally because we all perceive things differently and have unique ways of processing our emotions. Everyone grieves in their own way, on their own timetable and can become flooded with many emotions simultaneously. Add to those multitudes of feelings the experience of being ostracized by those around you and ambiguously treated as if you don't have a right to grieve - that is disenfranchised grief.

Disenfranchised grief is commonly associated with instances of death such as:

Suicide
Miscarriage
Death of an ex spouse or significant other
Death of a significant other in an "unaccepted" relationship (secret relationships, extra-marital affairs, same-sex marriage/relationships, open relationships
Death of a pet
Death of a distant family member, friend or acquaintance

Feeling like your grief is not understood or accepted can make you feel:

Isolated - no support, no one you feel you can talk to
ashamed - being treated as if you shouldn't be grieving can make you second-guess yourself and even lead you to believe there is something wrong with you for even feeling your grief

All of these factors can result in depression, avoidance, social withdrawal, self esteem issues and abuse of drugs/alcohol.

It is important that we reach out to people that may be suffering from disenfranchised grief - they need your support as much as anyone else. Awkwardness from not knowing what to say in these situations is an element that can make the bereaved feel isolated simply because we avoid talking to them. The opposite can also happen; out of that same feeling of awkwardness, we may feel that we need to give advice or say something and lean on the first cliche that comes to mind. Both factors evolve from a place that is well intentioned. To help combat and over come this awkwardness, my advice to support networks is honesty. If you don't know what to say, but simply want someone to know you are thinking of them and would love to help, then there is nothing wrong with saying just that.

For the bereaved, there is nothing better equipped to destroy isolation than connecting with somebody who has been through what you are experiencing. Whether a person you already know or a stranger in a support group, the support and strength you can gain is limitless. Honesty goes a long way for the bereaved as well. Most people that try to help you are usually well intentioned, but may be trying to make you take part in something you might not feel comfortable with, give advice that you aren't asking for, or telling you how they think you should feel. Allow yourself honesty - explain yourself when you feel offended or uncomfortable while acknowledging that they are trying to help. You could even allow yourself to let people know what you need, like a long walk, help with a task, company on an outing, etc.

Today on The Silva Lining, my guests were Kathleen Dube - a close friend of mine who's older sister committed suicide as a teen and has bravely offered to share her experiences and insights with my listeners; and Deanna Upchurch, Grief Support & Volunteer Programs Specialist at Home & Hospice Care of Rhode Island and Adjunct Professor at Bristol Community College, teaching Coping w/ Life and Death.

For more information about the support mentioned by Deanna Upchurch:

SS (Suicide Survivors) Hope Group - meets from 6 to 7:30pm on alternating Wednesdays in the Ray Conference Center, Room 2 (second floor). Meetings will be held on March 4th and 18th, April 1st, 15th and 29th.

SS Hope is a peer led support group for people who have lost someone to suicide. This survivor's support group has provided comfort and encouragement to its members for the past five years and includes participants in various stages of suicide grief recovery. It is open to anyone who has experienced a loss due to suicide. For further information, please contact Neil Kiely at 401-523-7051 or Laurie Kiely at 401-451-6789.

CLICK HERE for the Center For Grief & Healing Main Page

Click on the image to enlarge for upcoming events and groups