April 23, 2015

Making Arrangements

Every funeral, regardless the type, starts with an arrangement meeting between the family and the funeral director. These meetings usually take place within 24-36 hours of the death of a loved one and can be a very overwhelming and daunting task for the family members. Sometimes, the thought of making even the smallest decisions can feel mentally painful. Funeral directors are trained specifically do help families through this and will gently guide them through the process. People deal with and handle death very differently and funeral directors are adept at following the specific leads of the families they serve. Some are numb, some are distraught, some know exactly what they want, some don't. Personally, I am a planner. In times of stress, chaos and grief, the way I cope is by planning, making checklists, helping and basically doing anything I can to feel a sense of control. If you are like me, today's episode of The Silva Lining and this post will help. I've put together some guidelines and a layout of what to expect while arranging a funeral and ways to prepare.

What to bring to the arrangement meeting:

Vital Information/Paperwork: Funeral directors, besides planning and directing funeral services, also file the legal death certificate, notify Social Security and help format the obituary. They can also help you process claims for insurance policies, pensions, annuities and notify unions - so any paperwork you may have pertaining these will be a good thing to bring. Information needed is: Social Security number, date of birth, dress, highest level of education, parents names (including mother's maiden name) and the city/state or country where the parents were born). Also, if the deceased is a veteran, a copy of the discharge paper (DD-214) will be needed to notify the VA, apply for a U.S. flag and for military honors to be rendered.
Clothing: If it is possible, without being to stressful, to gather the clothing together before the arrangement meeting. What the deceased wears is completely up to the family and sometimes even, the deceased will have chosen their own clothes before they died. Most people don't think of it, but undergarments are important to bring in as well. Shoes are completely optional. Since nobody will usually see the deceased's feet, I tell most families that they can bring in the deceased's favorite pair of shoes or slippers - even if they don't match the clothing. As for jewelry, the deceased can be displayed with any jewelry the family prefers and the family can let the funeral home which items should be saved and returned.
Picture: A nice picture of the deceased is a very essential item to bring. It can be used for the obituary, custom prayer cards and also to help the hairdresser and embalmer to make them look the most like themselves. Things like how a woman parts her hair, styles it and where her part is, are details that mean the most. The same can be said for men, in terms of how they styled their hair, the type of facial hair they preferred, etc.

During the arrangement meeting, the funeral services and merchandise will be chosen, the director will coordinate with clergy/celebrant and cemetery/crematory, help formulate the obituary and tend to any details the family may request. Financially, the funeral as a whole is made up of three parts: Services, Merchandise and Cash Advances.

To help families choose the services, the funeral director will present a General Price List. This list is regulated by the Federal Trade Commission so that all funeral homes will utilize this format, allowing their services to be clearly explained and itemized. Before this regulation was in place, funeral homes would generally package their services, leaving consumers unaware of how all the individual services would make up the final cost, therefore leaving them to just blindly trust that they were receiving fair prices and/or discounts.

CLICK HERE to view a sample General Price List

As long as all services are itemized on the price lists, funeral homes may then also offer discounted packages of their services based on an incentive of their choosing. For example, if a casket is purchased from the funeral home, these discounted packages are available to select from.

Merchandise sold by funeral homes could include caskets, outer burial containers, urns, clothing, prayer cards, acknowledgement cards, register book, rosaries and more. Some of these items can be included in the funeral service packages, at the discretion of the funeral home.

Cash Advances are specific prices for services of others which the funeral home may be asked to coordinate for the family, such as grave opening fees, crematory costs, clergy offerings, newspaper notices, permit fees, certified copies of death record, etc.

The other point I brought up on today's show was what to do when someone you love is close to dying. We as a funeral home, always express to families that in this time of impending need, the most important thing to focus on for families is spending time with their loved one. A phone call in these situations can go a long way to answer questions, gain an idea of the family's wishes for the funeral home and help the family think about what they will need to gather/organize when the time comes. Since actual funeral plans (like coordinating timing with church cemetery, etc.) can't be made in the days/weeks prior to death, we would feel horrible if we pulled you away from your family to discuss these things and you weren't there when they needed you. Especially with email, there are many options for coordinating with the funeral home while still attending to the needs of your loved one.

Please feel free to comment here with any questions or email me privately at amy@thesilvalining.org

The Silva Lining is thankful for our wonderful sponsor, St. Anthony of Padua Credit Union. We are proud to be sponsored by such an incredible bank, that in an age of conglomerate banks treating people like numbers, maintains a relationship with its members based on trust, friendly service and loyalty. With competitive rates for savings accounts and various loans, St. Anthony of Padua can handle all of your financial needs. Convenient online banking and more information at www.stanthonyofpaduafcu.com

April 16, 2015

Logistics

by Amy L. Silva Rigtrup

Logistics. There are many logistics involved when a loved one dies. We are in a culture of research, meaning, for situations like preparing for the birth of a child, planning a wedding, even starting the process of buying a house - we all do research. What are the steps? What options are available? Where do I start? What do I need to do? Who can help? These questions and many more flood the brain when a loved one dies and we've never dealt with this before.

Since everything surrounding death is not easily talked about, most find themselves at a loss when it happens. I hope to explain and share some of the logistics involved. A resource of sorts.

First and most importantly, is Next of Kin. The legal Next of Kin is a person's closest relation. The person who has custody of a deceased loved one and the authorization to handle legalities that may arise - like release of the body or giving permission for a cremation, etc. There is a strict protocol that decides who the Next of Kin is, based on a list of importance of familial relations. Here is the list. Starting with #1, if such a relation does not exist, the Next of Kin will be the next numbered relation and so on:

Spouse
Children (starting with eldest - over age 18, if younger than 18, the legal guardian of the child can represent him/her)
Parents
Siblings
Grandchildren
Grandparents
Nieces/Nephews
Aunts/Uncles
Great Grandchildren
Great Grandparents
Great Nieces/Great Nephews
First Cousins

***The list continues through more distant branches of family members

The place where a person dies also sets differing situations and protocols:

Hospital (following trauma/accident) - in these situations, the hospital must alert the state medical examiner of the death. The medical examiner can then decide to take jurisdiction and bring the body into their custody for testing, viewing and/or an autopsy to determine the cause of death. If the medical examiner waives jurisdiction, the certifying physician can decide the cause of death and allow for possible organ donation (choice to proceed is up to the Next of Kin) or for the funeral home to pick up the body.
Hospital (Inpatient/Outpatient/Non-Trauma) - Family calls the funeral home and the funeral home follows up with the hospital to find out when the body will be ready. If organ donation is a possibility, the choice is given to the Next of Kin and the hospital alerts the funeral home when the procedure is completed.
Nursing Home - Upon entering a loved one into a nursing home, the family is usually asked which funeral home they would like to use. If pre-arrangements are made with the named funeral home, then the funeral home will have the authority to pick up your loved one once the Nursing Home calls to report the death. If, however, a funeral home is mentioned where the loved one does not have pre-arrangements, the funeral home will not have authorization to pick up your loved one until the Next of Kin contacts the funeral home.
Home (Hospice) - If a loved one dies at home under the care of hospice, the hospice nurse can call the funeral home to report the death and will also notify the doctor and provide the paperwork needed for the funeral home to come out to the house when the family is ready.
Home (Non-Hospice/Unexpected/Trauma) - When someone dies at home unexpectedly or not under the care of hospice, the family needs to call the police first. The police come to the house, assess the situation and notify the medical examiner. The medical examiner, based on the situation, can either take jurisdiction and decide to view/test/autopsy or waive jurisdiction. If jurisdiction is waived, then the officer will call the family's funeral home of choice to notify them of the death.

If your loved one is taken into the custody of the Medical Examiner, you can certainly notify the funeral home and start making arrangements. However, planning the timing of the services should wait until the medical examiner releases the body - which could take a few days or more. Before any funeral home can pick up your loved one, the medical examiner requires a release form, signed by the legal Next of Kin along with some of the deceased's vital information (social security number, date of birth, address, etc.).

Depending on the circumstance, sometimes the medical examiner releases a loved one with a death certificate that says, "pending" as cause of death. This is because rather than holding someone for the amount of time it would take for all test/lab results to come in, they aim to allow the family to carry on with intended services as quickly as possible.

When a certificate is issued as "pending", it may take a while to obtain a completed certificate - essential for most insurance claims, etc. In my experience, I have seen it take anywhere from a few weeks to about six months. Most times, the funeral home receives a courtesy letter from the medical examiner notifying us that the certificate has been "un-pended" and the family is free to obtain a completed certificate at the town or city clerk where their loved one died. Once in a while, that letter does not come to us. My advice for families is to call the town/city clerk where the death occurred once a month to ask them if the certificate has been un-pended. Usually you only need to give the clerk the deceased's name, date of death and date of birth to help them locate the information.

After these initial steps are taken, the family will then make an appointment with the funeral home to arrange the services. In an upcoming episode, I will be focusing on the arrangement process: what you need to bring, questions to ask, concerns to share and more.

Please feel free to comment here with any questions or email me privately at amy@thesilvalining.org

April 2, 2015

If They're Old Enough to Love, They're Old Enough to Grieve

by Amy L. Silva Rigtrup

Children. They take in everything and are affected by the world around them. When someone they love dies, they feel many of the emotions we feel as adults. The difference is, they are feeling this grief amidst countless confusions, questions and assumptions as they are simultaneously trying to make sense of everything as the grow. Even babies notice a change, wether they notice the absence of someone they regularly see or are just picking up on the emotional dynamics surrounding them.

It can be very hard as a parent or family member of a grieving child to even figure out where to start in regards to explaining death and the funeral process - especially because you are most likely grieving yourself. Above all, as Mr. Rogers said, "Anything human is mentionable and if it is mentionable it is manageable." There are not many things more human in life than death itself. Every child is different, every situation is different, but like everything that comes along in life that children question, death can also provide a meaningful and important opportunity for a teaching moment.

Children of all ages truly have an impressive capacity for understanding because their minds work so rapidly. The brilliant minds of children can work against them if they are left to piece together things they don't understand without any guidance. The healthiest way to help them process is to provide them a foundation based in honesty and reality. The reality is better than their imagination of something worse or feelings of abandonment if not told.

Today on The Silva Lining, my guest was Deanna Upchurch, Grief Support & Volunteer Programs Specialist at Home and Hospice Care of Rhode Island and Adjunct Professor at Bristol Community College. We discussed various options for explaining death to children, including them in elements of the funeral process and resources for specialized grief support.

For more information about Camp BraveHeart, the free two-day camp event for kids ages 4-17 that are grieving the loss of loved one CLICK HERE, or call (401) 415-4610 for registration. This year's Camp BraveHeart will be held on August 20th & 21st at Camp Aldergate in North Scituate, RI.

Visit Silva-Faria Funeral Home's website for access to the Grief Library with specific advice and guidelines for helping children with grief as well as many other targeted grief and support situations.

Looking for support? Have any questions? Email me anytime at amy@thesilvalining.org

March 19, 2015

Glass, Diamonds and Coral Reefs: Cremation Options Most Don't Know About

by Amy L. Silva Rigtrup

It is not surprising that the amount of people choosing cremation as an alternative to burial has skyrocketed in the last two decades. One reason - a reason commonly associated with this method - is lowered cost. Cremation services can be direct, meaning no services with the body present and the cremation happening as soon as legalities allow. Wakes and funeral services with the body present can also take place before a cremation as well. Regardless of which services take place, the long term opportunity remains - what to do with the ashes?

The biggest advantage with thinking about what to do with your loved one's ashes is time. You have time to decide and plenty of options to choose from. The guidelines I provide the families I serve is

To think of something that is meaningful and connected to the life they lived and the love you have for them.
To remember that you can decide on multiple options, for example: you can scatter some, put small amounts in different keepsakes for family members and bury the rest.
To think in the long term.

The third guideline I emphasize the most. Thinking long term means years, decades and generations down the road. With a burial, the long term is taken care of by cemeteries. Your future ancestors will utilize cemeteries to trace back and connect with their history. When ashes are placed in an urn with no name engraved, chances are, two or three generations in the future, they won't know who these ashes were. Burial of ashes is a great option and still allows you to do or create something meaningful with a portion of the ashes before the burial. Creating something personalized from the ashes or placing the ashes in a personalized urn leads to what I call the "Heirloom Effect", meaning they will be passed down from generation to generation as a treasured symbol of a loved one, often accompanied with stories, memories and history.

The guests on today's episode are my three favorite options; two that create treasured heirlooms and one that provides a permanent resting place while also helping to solve an oceanic environmental need.

Henry Duquette, founder and talented artist from Forever In Glass, utilizes your loved ones ashes into one-of-a-kind glass-blown pendants, paperweights and sculptures. He has mastered his own technique in creating these pieces without the presence of bubbles - a very common problem glass-blowers encounter when working with ashes. His work is astoundingly beautiful - my favorite are the turtles - and all made locally here in Somerset, MA. He even offers a warranty on his work and you won't find anyone with better service, care and attention to detail than Henry Duquette and Forever In Glass.

I invite you to read the testimonials from families he's created for by visiting here.

For more information and to view all of his beautiful work click here.

Silva-Faria Funeral Homes is an authorized dealer for Forever In Glass as well as Eternal Reefs and LifeGem. If you are a funeral director interested in working with Henry, George or LifeGem to serve your families, send me an email at amy@thesilvalining.org or reach out to Henry at forever-in-glass.com, eternalreefs.com or LifeGem.com

I was honored to also have George Frankel, CEO of Eternal Reefs, as a guest because personally, I have been in love with everything Eternal Reefs provides for families and the environment for years and plan on having this done with my ashes when the time comes.

To quote George, "Eternal Reefs offers families a way to honor their loved ones by placing cremated remains into reef balls to make a lasting underwater memorial.". These artificial reefs are dedicated to preserve, protect and enhance the national coastal reef formations and have been placed in 20 locations off the coasts of Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Maryland, New Jersey, Texas and Virginia - with new locations added each year.

When choosing Eternal Reefs for a loved one, families are able to participate in the process as much or as little as they choose. Their are a lot of interactive elements to the process, like helping to cast the reef ball, mixing the cremated remains with the cement, place handprints and write messages in the wet cement. They can also attend the placement and dedication by going out on the ocean and watching their loved one's reef ball as it gets lowered into the ocean - a meaningful and beautiful setting for a final goodbye. In the future, family members can take a scuba dive tour to see the memorial reef in it's splendor, covered in coral, oysters and likely surrounded by beautiful fish.

This option provides a meaningful service experience and also a permanent marker attached with a story of nostalgia to pass on to future generations - all while helping the environment and symbolizing a person's love for the ocean.

For more information, visit Eternal Reefs website here.

Here is a link to a wonderfully written interview featuring Eternal Reefs in Time Magazine.

The third option I highlighted today embodies "The Heirloom Effect". When I think of a treasured heirloom, passed down through generations, enlaced with love and memories, I think of a diamond. LifeGem is is a certified, high-quality diamond created from a lock of hair, or the cremated ashes of your loved one as a memorial to their unique life.

You read that right, even a lock of hair. This option is available even for those loved ones who aren't cremated. This is all possible because of a very important element we are all partly made from - the same element that makes diamonds - carbon. Other than being created in their lab, LifeGem diamonds are molecularly identical to naturally occurring diamonds.

As a funeral director, I had the opportunity to see these LifeGems in person a few years ago. Let me tell you, I was entranced by their beauty! You can have them made colorless or in red, green, yellow or blue. The customization options are endless with choices on the cuts and carats of your LifeGem.

Please visit their website for full access to all of the choices they offer.

NOTE: All of these options are also available for the cremated remains of cherished pets as well.

On today's show, I also mentioned a mother who lost her son that had a true passion for travel. She reached out on Facebook, asking people to spread his ashes so he could go to places he never got to visit in his life. The response was unbelievable and his ashes have been scattered all over the world.

Click Here to read more

I may have only highlighted a few options here, but know that the opportunities are endless. Armed with your unique knowledge of your loved one, a little creativity and time to reflect, you have everything you need to let the perfect memorialization come to you.